Joni Mitchell Can Bite My Ass
Copyright © 2006 By Curtis Meyer

Parking at The University of Central Florida
For lack of superior eloquence
Is a bitch

Will someone please explain to me
Why I have to leave my house
And drive 20 minutes
For a class I won't have
For two hours?

I know this

Muggy
Humid
Mosquito-infested
Backwards-ass
State

Is supposed to be
Someone's idea of "Paradise"

But seriously, the last thing we need
Is another parking lot

Or better yet
How about we actually pay to have
More parking installed on campus

Instead
Of spending students' tax dollars
To support building a new stadium for a football team
No one cares about

That hasn't won a game since&

Nevertheless

Right now
Joni Mitchell
Can bite my ass

In fact, let's call this poem

"Joni Mitchell Can Bite My Ass"

I've been on campus for 10 minutes
And I've been driving
Outside the Communications building
For seven of them

Having not eaten today
I was thinking I was smart
For going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell

Then wolfing down meat, tortilla and cheese
And a soft drink
In the tradition of my father

The master at one-handed
Eat-on-the-go
Driving

But now

The two chalupas
One soft taco
A one hard shell taco crunch wrap

Are starting to bubble
In my stomach with volcanic tension

10 minutes becomes 15

The only thing worse
Than being followed by jackasses
Who trail behind students on their way to class, asking
"Are you leaving?" with their windows rolled down

Is becoming one of them

Their vehicles turn corners like sharks
They pace slowly behind pedestrians and sorority girls
Like giant monitor lizards

Hulking dinosaurs
Waiting for wounded prey
To collapse

I begin to scout behind parked cars
For spaces without a shadow on the ground
A tip I picked up from an ex-girlfriend

"Fuck!" (A motorcycle)

"Damn it!" (A Honda)

"Fer fuck's sakes!" (Another motorcycle)

I finally find a parking space
The pickup next to me
Is all sorts of over the line

I have to do my best Indiana Jones impression
Squeezing between my door
And the truck's passenger side
Just to get out

I make it out of my car
Speed-walk my way
To the nearest restroom
I don't so much shit
As lay an egg

Hours later
I'm out of class
And return to my car

A yellow sheet
Flaps in the wind
From beneath my windshield wiper

It's a parking ticket
For a decal that expired
Yesterday

Parking at UCF

Truly

Is a beast that eats its young