Newborn giraffe Taylor Swift is on the cover of Rolling Stone this month and along with proving that her Single White Female evolution into Karlie Kloss is near completion and providing us with further evidence of her mystifying lack of nipples (WHO CAN WEAR A WET WHITE TANK WITHOUT THEIR CHEST LOOKING LIKE THE BRAILE ALPHABET?!), the singer revealed that her first foray into drinking wasn't the Biggie Smalls-soundtracked table dance that Julia Stiles had promised:
"When I first started drinking - when I was like 21 - I used to cry about Joni Mitchell all the time after a few glasses of wine," Swift says. "All my friends would know, once I started crying about Joni Mitchell, it was time for me to go to bed." Okay, we're all women here, so course we've cried to Joni Mitchell - that's practically a stage in female sexual maturation. We've cried to Joni drunk, we've cried to Joni sober, we've cried to Joni when we were supposed to be at some dorm floor meeting learning about our carbon footprint and energy-efficient lightbulbs. We've cried to Blue Joni and Shine Joni and even weird synth-pop Joni. Hell, one day we hope to cry to Joni Mitchell with Joni Mitchell. But notice our prepositions: to, with. What does crying about Joni Mitchell mean? What did Joni do, Taylor? We have some guesses:
1. Because she realized that she could never write something as bittersweet, as beautiful, or as poignant as "I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet."
But "she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts" comes pretty close.
2. Because Joni Mitchell didn't have Girls when she was a New York transplant in her mid-twenties, which means that Joni Mitchell didn't have anyone speaking her truth about love, sex, and accidentally smoking crack on premium cable.
How did Joni write Clouds without knowing if she was a Shoshanna, a Hannah, a Jessa, or a Marnie? Like we all know that Joni is a total Jessa but does Joni know that?
3. Because she would remember that the Counting Crows released a cover of "Big Yellow Taxi" and there are human people out there in the world - living, breathing, loving, eating sushi at lunch - who think that the song is a CoCrows (does no one call them that?) original.
Also the "Thousand Miles" girl is featured on the track but all she does is gurgle like a baby with a secret and play with her scarf.
4. Because that Joni Mitchell biopic in which Swift was allegedly going to star never came to fruition
Which meant that the years that Swift had lived with blunt bangs spending her paychecks on floppy sun hats were FOR NAUGHT.
5. Because Joni Mitchell also dated John Mayer.
What can we say? Joni is sexual napalm.
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